Q: Did you hear about the statistician who invented a device to measure the weight of trees?
A: It’s referred to as the log scale.

Q: How do you tell one bathroom full of statisticians from another?
A: Check the p-value.

Why is a physician held in much higher esteem than a statistician?

A physician makes an analysis of a complex illness whereas a statistician makes you ill with a complex analysis!

A mathematician, applied mathematician and a statistician all apply for the same job. At the interview they are asked the question, what is 1+1. The mathematician replies, “I can prove that it exists but not that it is unique.” The applied mathematician after some thought replies, “the answer is approximately 1.99 with an error in the region of 0.01.” The statistician steps outside the room, mulls it over for several minutes, and eventually in desparation returns and inquires, “so what do you want it to be?”

Deviation is considered normal.

We feel complete and sufficient.

We are “mean” lovers.

Statisticians do it discretely and continuously.

We are right 95% of the time.

We can legally comment on someone’s posterior distribution.

We may not be normal but we are transformable.

We never have to say we are certain.

We are honestly significantly different.

No one wants our jobs.

A hungry man went into a restaurant and noticed that the daily special was rabbit burgers, a real delicacy, for only 49 cents a burger. He was astounded at his good fortune to find such a bargain. When he inquired of the cook, the cook told him that in order to keep prices down he had to add some filler: in fact, only part of the burger was rabbit meat. The rest was horse meat.

“How much of each kind of meat is in a burger?” asked the customer.

The cook replied, “There is an equal amount of horse and rabbit in the burger: One horse, one rabbit.”

There were a physicist, a circus strong man, and a statistician marooned on a desert island. A box of canned food washes ashore, and the question is how to open the cans. The physicist suggests dropping them from the trees so that they break open. The strong man says that’s too messy. Instead, he will rip the cans open with his bare hands. The statistician says that’s still too messy, but he knows how to open the cans without making a mess. “First,” he says “assume we have a can opener.”